Sorry for the posting delay... I've been trying aimlessly to post pictures of our night out at the Whitecaps game and Blogger absolutely REFUSES to cooperate. Suffice it to say, we took tons of amazing pictures and had ourselves a whale of a time. I'll post the pictures as soon as I can and also give an update on my first week of work. Too tired tonight! (Sorry JoEllen!)

Well, just a quick post before I head off into the wide blue yonder of working womandom. I officially start my job tomorrow morning. This is the first job I've had in MANY years and surprisingly, I'm not yet nervous, just really excited. Thank you God! I'm not naive enough to think this job won't provide some bumps in the road; despite that, I think this job was tailor made for me by the man upstairs. Not only will it be nice to have a few hours to myself each day, I will be doing something I love. Already been practicing Seasons of Love (any Rent fans out there??? Gosh I love musicals.) I am a bit unsure of how I will get myself and two children showered, breakfasted(huh?), and out the door by 7:15.... Any suggestions from those of you experienced in this area? I love my morning cup of joe, but being gone 'til 10:30 means I must couple it with breakfast...YUCK! Any suggestions for a quick, cheap, healthy breakfast? Gee, I'm not asking much am I.
Well, as I leave my precious kids for the first time in 7 1/2 years (well, not really.... you know what I mean...) I thought I'd share a little story about leaving babiedom behind. Jason and I decided a while back that 3 was a great number and we were done having kids. Most of the time I'm thrilled we made this decision and glad we don't have the option of changing our minds (I'll spare you the details.). But last night as I rocked Zeke to sleep I felt my heartbreaking for a stage never to revisited until I become a grandma. He came down the stairs at 11:15 (don't ask!) and my initial reaction was
be frustrated and put him back in bed for the 7th time. But he says with a totally fake sad face, "I'm crying... Mommy...I'm crying!" Oh it was just too much. I sat with him for 20 minutes and rocked and sang and cried. The realization that this was probably the last time I would be able to hold my children like this was just about more than I could bear. The thought also occurred to me as I sat there, that without the grief of losing a precious niece I probably wouldn't cherish these moments as deeply as I do. More than anything I was just deeply thankful to God for finding me a worthy mother to my 3 darling ones.

New Bathroom!

Tried to post these last night with no success. We are LOVING our bathroom and must say my sweet husband is an EXCELLENT ceramic tiler. Thanks so much to my mom and dad for all of the work they did! Sorry I haven't gotten around to putting everyone's links back yet... I'll do it soon I promise!

Unblogworthy...

Just a quick post to say I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Just not much blogworthy things happening here at the Grate's. Went camping with the church this past weekend. Kids had a blast- Mom, hmmm, not so much... Spent all week redoing our bathroom. It looks AMAZING! Where are the pictures you say?? Yup, too lazy to take one right now as I just finished it about an hour ago. Jason's family will be here tomorrow night until Sun. afternoon. Should be a grate time (wow, can't believe I actually wrote that...). Also wanted to send you all to the church website as it's receiving some really fun changes thanks to ol' Josh Buck. It's not all done yet but you can listen to some sermons, look at pics of our camping trip and watch a really hilarious video of Brad Emerson. Trust me, you're not ready. The address is www.greenhouseministries.org or just click on the address in my sidebar. Have fun!
P.S.- Oops!!! BIG oops. I decided to have a little fun and change the background of our blog. Not so fun. It deleted all my links and I guess I'm not smart enough to know how to put them all back in less than 3 hours. Sorry- they'll be back soon. Any suggestions for a shorter way of doing this without all the annoying computer code???

Veggie stands....and good news!

Thought I'd post some pictures of Elijah and Emmy at their vegetable stand. My dad has been itching to help him sell some produce from his MASSIVE garden and we finally got it together yesterday. Truly, there is nothing more heartwarming than watching your kids sit outside and wait for people to show up... Elijah has been pretty hard core about it, even taking everything from our house to Shelly's this afternoon so as not to miss ONE customer (a.k.a. MONEY!!!). He's made about $11 since yesterday and is already quite the little business man.
Now for the good news... I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!! What, you say? Yes, yes, yes! I'm officially calling it the Miracle of 2006. I know, maybe a slight exaggeration, but really, it's pretty amazing. I've said for years if I could create the perfect job, it would be playing the piano for a church or school with no other responsibilities than to show up and play. (And also make good money doing it.) So today, the pastor's wife from the church we rent our building from called me up. She just took a JH choir job and was in dire need of an accompanist. It's everyday from 7:50 to 10:15 and the kicker is, it's $60 a day- or $300 a week. This is the EXACT amount we said we needed. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For me this will be a bit of a break and Jay will be able to be at work by 10:30. Not only that, I can hardly wait for it to start. Yup, I'm a choir nerd, I can say it. It's true...
Also, a HUGE thank you to all for your many prayers throughout these past weeks. I won't say it's been easy, but I've felt constantly uplifted by the prayers of friends and loved ones. You ALL mean a lot to us!

Ava Nicole Buck 05/05/05-08/01/05

Well, it's a little before 8 o'clock in the morning here. I've already formed this post in my head and been to the gas station for coffee (no creamer in the house). The rest of my family is peacefully sleeping, but once again, I'm wide awake. So the story has gone much of this week. As most of you know, Tuesday was a year since the death of our precious niece, Ava Nicole. As I was thinking about what I would say in this post I battled with how to say what I was feeling without sounding too morose. Well, I lost the battle. I FEEL morose. For those of you who know me to be the girl to post happy pictures of my 3 kids, beware, today is not that post. My hope is truly not to offend anyone, but in the light of honesty, share what it really feels like to be in this place. Let me begin by sharing what we did this week.
Monday night Jay and I got a babysitter and went to Josh and Shelly's with my mom and dad. It was just a time where we as adults could have some uninterrupted time to talk. The three of us girls spent a long time in the hottub sharing the things that've been the most difficult for us through the past year. My mom and sister have had to deal with the pain of what they saw and heard that day. Without going into much detail, it was very much like something out of a horrible nightmare. But worse - there is never that relief of waking up and saying, "Whew, glad that was just a dream." You DON'T wake up. For me, the hardest thing has been dealing with the days after her death. I can vividly remember laying in bed with my best friend Amanda and crying like I didn't know was humanly possible. There was such a panic in my that our little girl way all by herself in some room in the basement of a hospital. Probably the hardest thing for me has been the remembering the day of her funeral. Just thing about walking into the funeral home makes my heart start to pound. Why should anyone have to see their 3 month old little girl inside a coffin? I can remember kissing her little head over and over and making sure I said "I love you" enough times that she would hear me in heaven. Seeing Josh and my sister at the gravesite that day is something that instantly makes my throat close up. How does a mother ever go on without knowing what her little girl would've looked like, acted like, loved? As the year has progressed the memory that haunts me more than any is putting her in the ground. They took her little coffin out of the van and ask Jason to help put her in the ground. I'll just be honest and say I went stark raving mad. There was just no spot in my heart and mind to deal with it. I cried and screamed until my mom and Jason finally held me and calmed me down. WHY, HOW can this be happening? Is this even real? Sorry, I know this must be hard to read, but people, this IS our reality. These kinds of things happen to the best of people every day.
Ok... on to Tuesday. We all had some breakfast and then met up at Mom and Dad's at noon. Mom had a craft for the kids to do. (Like I've said before, it seems to help the kids to have some real way to express their grief.) We all loaded up then to go to the cemetery. Once again, the wind was blowing. God KNOWS we need a real reminder that he hasn't forgotten us and it seems EVERY time we go to her grave, the wind is blowing. The kids all put their little crafts around her grave and then let some balloons go. Noah and Zoe especially love to let the balloons "Go up to Ava." We took a long walk all around the cemetery and found all the headstones of children. I know, it sounds pretty morbid, but it's cathartic to know you are not the only people (even in little Allendale) to have experienced such tragedy. I think the most astounding thing was seeing the stones of children who'd died up to 70 years ago and someone was still bring fresh flowers to the grave. It's just proof that you NEVER forget, no matter how much time passes.
After this we all went to the beach. This was the best part of the day. We all seem to feel a bit of peace when we're there. The kids had a blast diving into the huge waves (and so did the adults...) At about dinner time we packed up Josh and Shelly and sent them to a B &B in Grand Haven for a night alone. My mom and dad took Noah and Zoe and our little family went back home to Grand Rapids. As we were driving home, I felt just awful. Like, now what? It's been a year, where do we go from here? As we were pulling out of Allendale, I just felt like we were leaving a little more of her behind. It's hard to explain the feeling... I KNOW she's in heaven and is very MUCH not alone, but I still feel as though when we leave that cemetery, we're abandoning her... Irrational, I know, but this is still how I feel.
Well, as the days continue on, I'll admit to not feeling much better. And if I'm feeling like this, how much MORE must my little sister and Josh be feeling? I'm not sure I'll ever know.
In closing, I hope this encourages all who read to continue to pray for our family and not to forget our precious little girl. She is so much a part of us and ALWAYS will be....